October’s Heroes
This time of year, I’m always mesmerized by the spectacles of red, orange, and yellow that decorate the trees and mark the inception of a new season. In addition to welcoming new fall colors, October uniquely sports another trendy warm shade – pink. As most know, October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Thus, we honor and support its commendable fighters and survivors by hosting special events, performing acts of service, and acknowledging those affected. Just a few days ago I was struck by the overwhelming support on a Delta Airlines flight – flight attendants dressed in bright pink uniforms with pink silk scarves, headphones distributed in custom pink wrappers, and pink lemonade and sparkling rose served in honor of the cause. We resembled a plane with a purpose en route to the Barbie movie. I truly love that we so valiantly honor Breast Cancer fighters and their families every October.
After my flight I was driving down a major street in my town and noticed an establishment decked with not pink, but purple. I did a double take and squinted to quickly read the signage (perhaps their printer had malfunctioned). The purple signs and ribbons were YWCA’s recognition of October as the 34th annual Domestic Violence Awareness Month. My initial surprise transformed into a bold sense of self-respect. It was empowering to see such a hush-hush matter that causes its victims tremendous shame and guilt actually being acknowledged. My heart skipped a beat thinking about the millions and millions that live in silent terror in their own homes. I have been one of them.
In my household and community growing up, domestic abuse was simply not discussed. However, domestic violence is prevalent in every community and affects all people regardless of age, socioeconomic status, sexual-orientation, gender, race, religion, or nationality. Contrary to popular thought, domestic abuse is not just physical. It can be emotional, financial, sexual, psychological, and verbal. As a matter of fact, often the most traumatizing abuse leaves its victims without any battle scars.
Many think victims of domestic violence are “safe” or “okay” once they leave an abusive relationship. However, in a way this is where the “real work” begins. The most dangerous time for victims tends to be after they initiate separation as the abuser may use additional tactics to try to control their partner. It is imperative to have a safety plan which may involve obtaining a restraining order to prevent stalking or seeking legal justice with law enforcement. I was fortunate to find a tremendous support network that assisted with my physical and psychological security and spiritual serenity once separation became my only option.
During and after separation the victim’s body is likely still in trauma response mode, they may have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and they are likely experiencing profound grief. Thus, I highly recommend seeking therapeutic treatment such as Cognitive Behavioral (CBT) Therapy, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy, Somatic Experiencing, Neurofeedback, Equine Therapy, Safe and Sound Therapy, Reiki, and Healing Prayer. My personal recovery journey has involved a comprehensive and holistic approach as most modalities complement one another. For me, God and prayer are the cornerstone of my recovery.
Many abusers have Narcistic Personality Disorder. The essential features of the disorder are impairments in personality (self and inter-personal) functioning and pathological personality traits. To be diagnosed as a Narcissist a person must portray at least five of the nine features of Narcistic Personality Disorder in the DSM-5:
1. Inflated self-esteem or a grandiose sense of self-importance or superiority
2. Craving admiration
3. Exploitative relationships (manipulation)
4. Little to no empathy
5. Identity is easily disturbed (can’t handle criticism)
6. Lack of attachment and intimacy
7. Feelings of depression or emptiness when not validated
8. A sense of entitlement
9. Can feel like others are envious of them, or may envy others
While the above information is critical to consider when addressing domestic violence, ultimately the future of domestic abuse and the destiny of its victims change through acknowledging, understanding, and empowering. I hope to inspire all three.
What happens inside a victim, a family, and a community when they are empowered? First, they see and treat themselves differently. They come to the table with compassion for their journey. Because they treat themselves well, they are more likely to be treated by others with respect and dignity and are more apt to rise to opportunities for contribution and impact. They stop trudging through life like victims, and they begin living life like survivors, like heroes.
Recovery (from illness, abuse, addiction, etc.), like all things worth pursuing, is a hard endeavor. Each day is an opportunity to prove the survivor is stronger today because of the work they did yesterday. A survivor must be willing to dig deep and fight hard. Each day takes effort. When a survivor builds back better, they come to know the satisfaction of accomplishing something monumental for themselves, for their family, and for others they may not even know.
Survivors are heroes. They are heroes to every person that cheers them on or that questions their sanity. They are heroes to every child that currently or in the future will face domestic violence. Survivors are heroes to one another. They are heroes on how they persevere, how they recover, and how they live.
So, this month, proudly sport your pink; sport your purple; and support, honor, and celebrate the extraordinary heroes in your life!
“The joy of living is the theme of A.A.’s Twelfth Step [helping others], and action is the key word. Here we turn outwards toward our fellow alcoholics [current victims, future heroes] who are still in distress. Here we experience the kind of giving that asks no rewards… When the Twelfth Step is seen in its full implication, it is really talking about the kind of love that has no price tag on it.” -A.A. Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions
